So we all get those fast food cravings after a long night of pounding Rolling Rocks and slugging pickle back shots where the only thing we want is a place with a drive thru and cheap food that we love. That is where this edition of Jay’s 3 Point Play is taking us. While reading this please transform your mind to about 3AM where you are so hungry you would contemplate eating road kill if you don’t jam something tasty immediately down your gullet. And of course at the end I’m going to tear Burger King a new one because my experience the other week was complete and utter trash.
#3. Wendy’s – Okay on to my number 3 which is Wendy’s. Sweet beautiful Wendy with her long red locks would actually be at #2 if this were about being hungry at lunch time or the early evening but since its 3AM in this blog then my girl has to be #3. Give me two JBC’s (junior bacon cheeseburgers) and a spicy chicken sandwich and your mans will fall asleep like a big ole baby when he hits the pillow later. Not gonna lie, the spicy chicken sandwich may be a little too much on the stomach but in my eyes it is the king of all fast food sandwich’s so not ordering it would be a damn shame. The one thing that I have to knock Wendy’s for that I would never knock my #2 for is the fries. For some reason Wendy never could get the fries right in my opinion. Too soggy or not enough salt. So if you feel the same then grab yourself a frosty instead and call it a night.
#2. Mcdonald’s – Now my number 2 is the one and only creepy ass Ronald McDonald. My man looks like someone slapped him in the face with a bunch of red and white paint and said run around with these size 30 shoes and give all these kids nightmares for the rest of their lives. Gotta love him. As for the actual restaurant, McDonald’s is the opposite of Wendy’s as it wouldn’t even crack my top 5 probably if I wasn’t punished and either on my way back from Haddonfield or down in North Wildwood with only one mission in mind: get me all these McChicken’s and McDouble’s. Now if you are in the car with Leer the order is easy, give me 10 of each and get them out fast. Now fast is always tough because there is usually only 1 person working and the last place they want to be is talking to 2 idiots through a monitor that think everything they say is the funniest thing ever. God bless them. Now to the fries which are without a doubt one of the top 5 items you can get at a fast food restaurant. Loaded with salt and just crispy enough they really know how to get the job done.
#1. Taco Bell – So my winner here is Taco Bell and it really wasn’t even a competition. Taco Bell is hands down the best late night spot on earth. I don’t care that their meat is probably grade F and maybe its not “real” but you get me about 7 fire tacos, a Mexican pizza and some kind of cheesy gordita crunch or whatever its called and your boy has died and gone to heaven. Cover me in some Fire sauce and there is nothing better than Taco Bell at the end of your night. Factor in the person working could be offering you “wet” at the end of the night and it finishes you off with a couple good laughs and the realization that doing “wet” would leave you with about 6 teeth and none of them in the right spot. I wish I was making this up but it actually happened to me and Leer one night. This lady was awesome/gross. Parents if you want to show your kids the affect hard drugs can have on them then there are life lessons to be had late night at Taco Bell.
Oh hey there Burger King I have to tell you something….
YOU ARE SOME SHIT!!!!!
Okay so go back about 2 weeks when I had to run out to the hardware store to pick something up at lunch and I’m like I will just stop at McDonald’s real quick because I haven’t been there in a while. Then I remember hey Burger King is right there too and I haven’t had one of their Original Chicken Sandwich’s in forever. So by forever I mean I haven’t been to a Burger King in about 2 years and even though it is trash, the original chicken sandwich never disappointed. Set on a long bun with sesame seeds, some lettuce and actual white mayo (this comes into play later) it is delicious for fast food. So I order and say I will have one of those and also a buffalo version, which turns out to be the same sandwich with some buffalo sauce splattered on top. I don’t know how that classifies as a different kind of sandwich but whatever.
So I pull up and as the only person in line it takes them literally 10 minutes to churn out this crap. And of course I have some clown behind me honking her horn because it is taking long so she gets flipped the bird since how is it MY FAULT that Burger King is so slow at making two sandwich’s??? Finally I get my order, pull into a spot, and start to cool my rage with one of these sandwich’s. I pull the buffalo one out and its “round” for some reason which I shrug off and I can only muscle down half because its just awful. So I open up the “Original” with some higher hopes and take one bite only to see some mayo ooze out that looks like a 2 year old kid sneezed and shot some slimy green snot all over it. Just absolutely repulsive.
I wrapped it up and threw it in the bag and had a good WTF moment. As I started to get mad I stopped myself and said “Jay don’t blame Burger King for this meal, blame yourself. You had some wild fantasy of having a solid meal and semi-descent experience and you got exactly what Burger King produces and that is a pile of steamy shit on a bun.”
Long gone are the days of the funny commercials with the King running around town making people laugh with his stupid face and tights or some maniac yelling “GET ME A WHOPPER”. So in the end this one is on me people. I can’t blame Burger King for being who they are but I have to blame myself for thinking that anything they produce would be worth eating. This “L” is on me.