**MK is part of the JG blogging team. Besides an insatiable passion for food, she also loves dragons and 12-year-old assassins. With that being said, here’s her take on episodes 5 & 6 of GoT season 7.**
Mr. Steal Yo Dragon
Things have really been heating up on GoT, pun completely intended LOL JK… just trying to make light of Danny burning people alive. One of the best things about this season of Thrones is how 2 minutes into an episode dragons are just setting people on fire. Let’s also take a minute to appreciate how perfect it was that those 2 characters, in particular, were barbecued for the following reasons:
Randay Tarly—Arguably the greatest resting bitch face in all the 7 kingdoms AND constantly hates on our lovable Sam. I mean Sam is out there curing Greyscale, like a bad motherfucker but his dad just stays being the worst.
Dickon Tarly—A) His name is “Dick on.” B) He kind of just looks like an asshole face. C) As a character, he’s as useless as the “g” in “lasagna.”
Even though Danny likes to light people on fire, her baephew, Lord Snow, is still waiting for her to come home from a day of slaying. I’m not going to lie, I totally peed a little when he was petting her dragon like it was no big deal. I was so bummed when Ser Jorah interrupted their moment so he could return to her royal friend zone. However, he did also volunteer to go beyond the wall with Jon Snow on a zombie hunting quest. You have to admire that level of commitment he’s the only one who heard, “army of dead” and immediately agreed! Everyone else stared at Jon like an insane person but Jorah was like “You want a zombie, I’ll get you a zombie.”
After Jon made Danny swoon by pulling the king card, Ser Davos headed to Kingslanding to pick up the man, the myth, the legend… GENDRY! The second person in this episode that just blindly agreed to go look for the dead with ZERO questions asked. Once team badass assembled at Eastwatch they, as Beyoncé would say, “got in formation” and headed out. [We’re just going to overlook the fact that suddenly everyone can teleport because THRONESSSSSS.]
While the epic saga of fire and ice rages on we have few other potential pivotal story lines to keep in mind:
Arya & Sansa—My favorite little assassin Arya somehow, even with all her training, gets tricked by goddamn Little Finger. The Stark sisters are already throwing nonstop shade at each other and now that sneaky bastard threw gasoline on the fire.
Sam & Gilly —Gilly dropped a verbal bomb that was completely overlooked and then Sam went full wild card. Our endearing Cinderfella decided his best use of time would be stealing a bunch of books and going rouge. You know what, good for you Sam, FLOURISH.
Cersei—Pulled the pregnancy card but, it probably doesn’t matter because she’ll be dead soon.
Team Badass Got in Formation
I firmly believe that Game of Thrones is a unicorn of a show in a sense that I am legitimately emotionally invested in everything that happens. Since I’m starting off with emotional responses, the first thing I’d like to address Tourmond’s love of Brianne. My new relationship goal is to find someone who talks about me the way Tourmond talks about Brianne of Tarth and I quote, “I want to make babies with her.” You can even hear the excitement in his voice when he talks about how “enormous” their kids will be. In addition to his love of Brianne, Tourmond is also working on his BF4L status with the Hound and I’m not mad about it.
Meanwhile, in Winterfell, the tension between the Stark Sisters is reaching a critical point. I can’t help but blame Bran for this mess. Arya is getting ready to steal Sansa’s face and he’s just sitting there, ALL KNOWING like, “it’s cool guys I’m going to sit this one out.” As a loyal supporter of Team Stark, I feel personally victimized by their inability to get along. I swear if we end up 1 more Stark down by the end of the season and Little Finger is still walking around, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY MIND! [But realistically I’ll still keep watching because THRONESSSSSSS.] The insanity that takes place beyond the wall really puts in perspective just how stupid their fight is.
As our favorite GoT suicide squad moves deeper north, they’re greeted by not 1 or 2 but a pack of zombie bears some of which, are ON FIRE. If you think zombie bears aren’t terrifying enough, you’ve never seen the army of the dead. During the struggle to capture one zombie, the full-blown army of the dead descended sending the group into panic mode. While Gendry went to prove he’s the fastest man alive, the rest of the team got stuck on a rock in the middle of a frozen lake. I had 5 major heart attacks during this battle:
- When the hound couldn’t behave like an adult and set the whole fight in motion by throwing that stone
- When I thought Tourmound was going to die
- When the Night King earned an Olympic gold for javelin and took out Viserys
- When they left Jon Snow behind
- When we realized now there is a MOTHERFUCKING ZOMBIE ICE DRAGON AT PLAY NOW
Even though Danny proved her love to Baephew by saving the day, we’re still one dragon down and they still haven’t boned. I feel like I wasn’t alone while screaming at the TV, “STOP HOLDING HIS HAND AND START HOLDING HIS PENIS HE’S BEEN THROUGH A LOT DANNY.” I really hope getting one zombie was worth all of that because right now it’s not looking like it.
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