cosmopolitan.com – Let’s get one thing straight: I have never gone on a diet or successfully completed a cleanse.
That is, until last week, when I went on a pizza cleanse.
It’s not that I’ve never wanted to get in shape or kick-start an eating plan that contains less confetti cake — I just truly hate being hungry. The last time I tried a juice cleanse, it ended at 11 a.m., when I realized I need solids to function in society. Hell hath no fury like my hanger.
I also think cleanses and diets, for the most part, are kind of B.S. There’s nothing magical about them. Anyone who stops drinking alcohol and eating candy for a week (a prerequisite to many cleanses and diets) is probably going to lose weight and feel better. I had this theory that if you stopped drinking alcohol and eating sugar, you could consume whatever other foods you wanted, and lose or at least maintain weight. You wouldn’t need to torture yourself by subsiding off sugar kale water or spicy limeade for 10 days — you could eat pizza and it would have the same effect. It certainly would be more pleasant. And cheaper. And who knows, maybe a week of pies would incentivize you to have a healthier lifestyle. You’d most certainly want to eat less pizza.
And this is how I ended up eating nothing but carbs and cheese for a week.
Modeling my diet after a typical seven-day juice cleanse, I established a set of rules: