vice.com – Now I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life. But squaring off with world champion Sumo wrestlers in the parking lot of a Russian hotel is among the stupidest.
I’m lying face down in a hotel bathroom in St. Petersburg, Russia. The cheap vinyl of the bathroom sticks to my forehead and every part of my body aches worse than it has ever ached before. Out of the corner of my eye I can see a puddle of my own piss, cartoon yellow, slowly creeping towards my chin. I try and get up but my legs give out from under me. I fall into the bathtub and throw up. An attempt to shower is cut short when I discover that water on my skin feels like needles being stuck underneath my fingernails. Today I am going to stink and that’s fine. I pick the cleanest dirty shirt from my luggage then start to venture towards the hotel lobby, hoping to find some hair of the dog or—at the very least—some carbohydrates to soak up the shame. I leave my room and the fluorescent light of the hallway hits my eyes. My headache instantly intensifies, an arrhythmic drum solo on the inside of my skull. The pain is so bad that when I first see the body I don’t know if it’s real or not.
Spread out on the hallway floor is the largest human being I have ever seen in real life. The man is easily four hundred pounds. He’s lying on his back, limbs askew, oversized belly sneaking out of his shirt. The man is unconscious and letting out these little half breaths between thunderous snores. I’m about to check on humongous, maybe poke his gut to make sure he’s not a hallucination, when towards the elevator I see another body even bigger than buddy at my feet. This man is flailing in an awkward sleep. He rolls to his side to reveal two (slightly) smaller dudes draped out beside him, like a supersized variation on the Russian doll. Head pounding I piece together what’s going on.
As a collegiate strength and conditioning coach, and contributor to the JG family, I always try to find stories about athletes and their diets. here may just be the best one of all time. with that being said, my new life time goal is to become a YOKOZUNA, aka a grand champion Sumo Wrestler.
“Somebody in the hallway lets out a fart. While trying to escape the smell I start to remember the night before. I attempted to out drink men literally twice my size, I ate more food than I thought I was physically capable of, and I attacked parked cars like a post-modern Don Quixote. When I get to the end of the hall my headache intensifies—again—and I spew. I had partied with Sumo wrestlers and it almost killed me.”