‘Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell you how Aldi inconvenienced me in a town called Bop-air’
Who doesn’t love a good discount? I have ‘ballin’ on a budget’ tatted across my belly so you already know I’m about that life. You know what supermarket routinely has cheap off-brand food? For all intensive purposes, Aldi and I were going to be boys for life. He even moved right around the block from me. How neat! I had never met Aldi before but I’m a very affable guy and I thought I’d introduce myself. I pulled in the parking lot to find ample spots. Everyone appreciates a spot close the grocery store exit because America strives on convenience. This is where our relationship starts to sour.
So I meander my way over to where the carts are and attempt to cop one and go about my business. I try to pull the cart out of the stack and I’m getting the same result. Wham! Wham! I try even harder to separate the carts now thinking I’m just a giant idiot. I then spot something I’d never seen before. It was actually quite extraordinary. Aldi wanted me to deposit a quarter to “rent” their shopping cart. I couldn’t believe my own fucking eyes! ‘What a racket this is’ I thought to myself. I cycled through all of the possibilities of why they needed me to deposit a god damn quarter. Not one logical explanation floated into my dome piece. But alas, don’t worry, once I return the cart to the same spot all will be Gucci and I get my quarter back. GEEZ. THANKS DAWG. Now because I’m a man of some fucking principal, I decide that I don’t a four wheeled apparatus to buy some food. ‘I’m gonna stick it to man’ I thought to myself. Bold move Cotton, let’s see how it plays out.
Now I’m not going to bore you with the details of my shopping because I honestly can’t even remember what I got. But I do remember holding all of the stuff as I walked around the store because fuck renting a shopping cart as I previously stated. Now being as brolic as I am, it wasn’t a difficult task to walk around with single box items, merely just an inconvenient one. I finally make my way to the cashier already feeling some type of way this whole cart fiasco. I unload my food from my arms onto the conveyer the belt in the checkout line. Now being the nice guy that I am, I usually bag my own groceries. As she’s scanning the food, which maybe totaled to 10 items I get ready to bag that shit up. I asked for some plastic bags because I didn’t find any readily available. This lady looked at me like I had 4 heads and judged me like I was single-handily responsible for the BP Oil spill Deepwater Horizon. Chill out lady, it’s a freaking plastic bag. She then began to tell me it would cost 10 cents per bag. ‘UHHHHH OKAY. BAG THAT SHIT UP LADY’ I thought to myself. Instead I just smiled and said ‘no problem’ because I’m giant pussy with no gumption to tell her how I really feel. Additionally, I’m not gonna be some jabroni walking out to his car looking like I just robbed the joint. Even more importantly, how the fuck do you transport groceries into your house without bags? Am I supposed to take 5 separate trips to my car because you want to charge for plastic bags? What if you lived in a second story dwelling? That’s a modern day death sentence to most Americans. Oh! The humanity!
Yada yada yada, I paid Aldi my hard earned money, and left the store. I haven’t visited my boy Aldi since and as far as I’m concerned he can catch a dirt nap. I ain’t got no time to be inconvenienced. So next time you want to go to Aldi’s, think about the trials and tribulations I went through, and say fuck The Empire. The Resistance is much cooler anyways.
If you enjoyed this, check out more posts from the Just Grubbin team here! Also make sure to listen to The Just Grubbin podcast to hear us go into further detail about this and to hear all of our random irreverent takes on food, drink and whatever else.