munchies.vice.com – May all your dreams of cooking fettuccine in your underwear come true at long last.
Have you ever stopped during a strenuous workout, placed your hand across the front of your pants, and thought, Wow, I really need to harness the heat from my own undercarriage? Me neither, although it seems like Glen Van Peski did. Van Peski, the founder of Gossamer Gear hiking equipment, has invented something called The Crotch Pot that allows its wearer to use the steam from their own junk to cook a seemingly edible meal.
The $19 pouch is made from cuben fiber, a high performance, ultra-lightweight fabric that presumably won’t chafe any delicate areas while you’re preparing fettuccine al testicolo. (The Crotch Pot is designed to hold a one-quart Ziploc bag “so your dinner contents are completely sanitary.” On the bright side, if you find a hair in your food, at least you’ll know it’s one of your own.)
The target market for the Crotch Pot is apparently the backpacker or hiker who is so committed to carrying nothing that he or she is willing to let their own meals marinate in their pants. “Infrared images of the human body confirm what is basically common knowledge: one of the hottest parts of the human body is the crotch area,” Gossamer Gear explains on its website. “Your body naturally generates significant heat while hiking; why not harness this heat for a warm dinner?” Yeah guys, why not?
Do not feed my food that you’ve prepared and then steamed with your ball heat bro, I’m serious. Stay away from me and my loved ones with this malarkey .