For me, ranch is so far behind in the salad race that it thinks it’s first.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to blue cheese.” It’s a little known fact that these are the words that are inscripted on a plaque that’s inside The Statue of Liberty, probably. These are powerful words that I choose to live my life by. If I were to ever get a tattoo, I would strongly consider getting these words across my belly. To say that I love bleu cheese is an understatement. To say that ranch dressing is the worst thing ever to be created by man is not.
Now I know what you’re asking, “But Bop have you ever had ranch…on PIZZA?” No motherfucker! Had you read this blog before I wrote it you wouldn’t have asked such a dumb question. I’m here to set the record straight once and for all. There’s not one food item where I would willfully choose some bullshit, second rate dressing over some majestic blue cheese.
Let’s go over a situation where, in a free world, you have the ability to choose just one.
Ranch Lovers
You: “Yeah, hi Christy, I’d like to order the ranch burger with bacon, medium rare, no tomato.”
The server: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave this restaurant and never come back to this establishment again or I’m going to have to contact the local authorities.”
Blue Cheese Lovers
You: “Yeah, hi Christy, I’d like to order the burger with blue cheese crumbles & bacon, medium rare, no tomato.”
The server: “Great choice! This is so good & it’s our top seller. Personally, I eat no less than 3 of these a week. I’ll bring this out when it’s ready.”
But seriously, have you ever eaten out and have seen a burger with ranch being offered on a menu? No you haven’t because that’s gross. Plain and simple. Don’t try to prove me wrong either or I’ll scream ‘fake news’ at you until you give up.
Round 1: Blue Cheese – 1 / Ranch – Nill
What’s your favorite salad? For me, it’s the iceberg lettuce wedge and it really isn’t even close. It’s so simple, yet so refined. Add some vine ripe tomatoes that I’ll never eat because I hate tomatoes, a sprinkle of thick cut bacon cut into tiny pieces, blue cheese crumbles and blue cheese and it becomes a masterpiece. I could actually eat this every day, lose weight, and prove my point that blue cheese is vastly superior to ranch in every category all in one fell swoop.
Additionally, I’ve never ever seen the wedge salad offered with ranch, and if I did, my next call would be to the FDA. Though I love the wedge salad, a cobb salad sometimes can hit the spot. Pour some blue cheese over that and mix it up and you’ve basically eaten all five food groups in one meal. Quite the accomplishment if you ask me. I know that when it comes to salad it’s a very grey area for some people and probably the most debatable out of all the foods some. For me, ranch is so far behind in the salad race that’s it thinks it’s first.
Round 2: Blue Cheese – 2 / Ranch – Nill Still
Now let’s stop beating around the proverbial bush. It’s time for the title fight. The buffalo wing is an American legend and it deserves only the best America has to offer. There’s only two choices so if you’re reading this and mad that I didn’t include Russian dressing in this discussion, drop a pin for your location and I’ll have your local mental institution pick you up and commit you for life.
Now being as unbiased as I can, ranch is, at best, just lightly seasoned mayonnaise. Who the freak wants that? Not me. Not here. Not anywhere. Blue cheese just works with buffalo wings. It enhances the flavor of the wing while ranch, in my honest and completely correct opinion, just masks the buffalo flavoring (or any other type of wing.) The blue cheese crumbles perfectly accent and accompany the buffalo flavor. That’s not me talking either, that’s science. Read a book for me one time.
To be honest, I truly think I’m in the minority here. I know the ranch faithful grow bigger and louder by the day. But to all my blue cheese lovers out there, I want to let you know that I’m out here fighting the good fight, day in and day out, and I’m more than willing to die on this hill. The bottom line is if you like ranch on your wings or any other of the aforementioned food, you’re mentally weak, you’re the ‘black sheep’ of your family and you definitely haven’t started watching Game of Thrones because ‘you just don’t understand it and don’t get what the hype is all about.’ Well let me tell you something, winter is coming for you, bitch.
Round 3: Blue Cheese – 3 / Ranch – Fuck Ranch
**This was also discussed on Episode 34 of the Just Grubbin Podcast**
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