What’s going on JG?!
Your boy Boutros Boutros Boutros Bop has been lying in wait for a poignant enough topic to blog about and man do I feel some type of way about this. I was recently shopping in my local grocery establishment and it was time to pick out the hot dogs. Now full disclosure: I’m a big hot dog guy. The craving for it comes in waves and we’re currently at high tide. Now usually I’m ballin’ on a budget and pick out whatever’s on sale as long as it’s not too off-brand, cruise over to the buns and cop the freshest potato jawns the bread aisle has to offer because give me a potato bread bun or give me fucking death.
So I’m perusing and going through my options looking for a cheaper dog, and only the ‘bun length’ dogs are on sale.
First off, who the fuck gave you the right to elongate the dogs I consume? Was there a massive protest of people clamoring outside Ballpark Headquarters screaming that their hotdog didn’t cover the entire bun ( @lbiddle25 does NOT count) ? Occupy Bun Street in Washington Square Park? Did Nathan have a hissy fit and demand his company create a bigger dog? No? Didn’t think so.
You’re a hot dog. You have 2 jobs. Be the same size and be freaking delicious. I happen to like the fact that there’s extra bread where your ketchup, mustard, and relish can all convene & mingle without being harassed by the dog. It truly is one of the best last bite foods there is. It’s like hot dog bigwigs are trying to reinvent the wheel here. Wanna know something even more preposterous? The bun length hotdogs weigh less as a package than the regular jawns! Yup, you read that right. Can you believe that?! WHAT A SCAM. You’re getting robbed of delicious hotdog so you can stretch out your wiener an extra half inch? Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
At that moment, in Shoprite, I knew I had to take a knee to make a stand against bun length hotdogs. I actually spent $1.50 more on a package of regular sized dogs just to prove my point. Some call me a hero, but I don’t wear a cape. I’m just another guy who has the moral fiber to stand up against what’s wrong in this world.
Here’s another fire take too: people who openly choose bun length dogs have small wieners. I just had to come out and say it. You crave that extra half inch of dog because you’re insecure about the Willy the Worm you’re packing.
Bottom line is there’s no room in society for bun length hot dogs or the heathens that consume them. You’re either with me or dead to me, the wiener’s in your court.
Oh and my final hot dog choice? Deitz & Watson dogs with Martin’s Potato hot dog rolls.
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